Tuesday, December 5th, I started having decent contractions in the late evening. Enough so, that I downloaded an app to track the contractions. They were irregular but strong and ended up stopping around 4 am completely. My mother-in-law always flies out when we tell her I’m in labor, and so we gave her a heads up that baby could be coming soon. Since the fires in California were getting worse, she decided to fly out the next day. This made me a little anxious because I wanted to make sure the baby was born sooner rather than later, so that we could have Grandma’s help for as long as possible with the new baby.
So, Grandma arrived Wednesday afternoon, and I hadn’t had any labor pains, not even any braxton hicks, so I was a little bummed. We decided to go to Cotsto and just pick up a few things and it was a warm place to walk around. I was stopped by 3 different people commenting “Wow, you’re really pregnant” Which I thought was funny because I had been to Costco just a few days earlier and nobody said a thing about my big belly.
We got home just before the kids got home from school and about an hour later (4pm) I started having some labor pains. They weren’t super strong but I decided to start timing them. The kids were distracted with Grandma and I was able to just ride out the contractions as they started to pick up. I had initially planned to birth in our living room, but with Grandma here earlier than expected, the kids would now be home while I birthed. I slowly started to prep our master bedroom for the birth. I still didn't really think I was in labor but I wanted to be prepared just in case.
Contractions got stronger and were about 5-7 minutes apart. I asked Micah if he thought I should call the midwife and just give her a heads up. He said I definitely should, especially since she was coming from Dallas and would likely hit traffic at this time. So I called in, and Dinah called me back. I was SO happy she was the one on call! I talked to her about what was going on and I told her I didn’t want her to have to drive all the way out here only for the labor to stop again, she said “Oh, no, it’s not going to stop” and she said it so confidently that I think I believed her enough to let myself go into labor.
So, I started texting friends and the photographer to let them know, tonight was probably the night. It was around 5 or 6 now and things had progressed but I was still a bit in denial.
As I labored alone in my room, I would cry during each contraction. I would just sob as I rolled on my exercise ball, in my dim room, with my birth playlist going. Big, beautiful tears. These tears were not from pain, but just emotion. Strong emotions would just flood me with each contraction. Feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, excitement and more anxiety. With each contraction, I would cry and just allow that emotion to be there, I would hold the space for it to just flow through me. I thought I was a little crazy and unstable, but as the contractions went on and I allowed these emotions the exist, I was able to work through them, one by one. It was incredible. I felt so present and so aware of what I was doing. My body had some hard work ahead and I still had unresolved emotions that my head needed to work though. This crying/contraction combo lasted about two hours. It was one of the most beautiful parts of this birth.
Just as my sweet friend Britta arrived, I felt like I was ready for labor and the crying slowly stopped. Britta and I could just chat and listen to music in my room as I labored. Dinah (super midwife) showed up soon. With Dinah and Britta, my room felt safe and peaceful. Micah started getting the birthing tub set up and was busy with the big kids. I was just in my room allowing the contractions to come and go. They came like prefect, strong waves. They were intense but not painful. I could feel the work my body was doing. Dinah would give me counter pressure which felt good. This went on for about 3 hours. It was perfect.
The birthing tub was ready around 8:30, the contractions were strong and that water sounded good! Dinah said I should have one more contraction, go to the bathroom, then get in the tub. The next two contractions were pretty intense. I had not been checked at this point, and just before getting into the water I thought “Maybe I should have Dinah check me?” but then I immediately thought, “NO, because if I’m not far along I’ll be discouraged, and if I”m far along, I might freak out”. I wanted to continue to just listen to what my body wanted and let it guide me.
I got into the tub and the water felt great! I had a strong contraction in the water and my emotions kicked in. I got the “fear” because I knew hard work was coming. I just didn't realize how quickly it would come! Micah came into the room and I thought “Where have you been!?! Stay here, you’re not leaving!” I didn't say these things, but he knew what I was thinking. He kneeled down in front of the tub and I used him to brace myself through the next contractions. I was on my knees, leaning forward into him, and a strong contraction came and I felt a “pop” and said “I think my water broke!” This just got real! When the next contraction came, my body just started bearing down and I started pushing with all my might. I was making loud, primal noises and it felt good! I could feel the baby descending down, it was an incredible sensation.
Then with the next contraction, I pushed with everything I had and I could feel the baby crowning. The head was right there! I could feel everything but it wasn’t painful, just intense. I thought “Oh, please don’t go back in! Please just come out, baby!” I waited for the next contraction and pushed baby’s head out! I leaned back so i could sit and I felt this head between my legs! Under water! It was insane! I said “Can’t I just pull it out!” But the midwife said to just wait for the next contraction, which felt like an eternity!! It was almost 2 minutes and then I had a contraction and pushed the rest of baby out and lifted that sweet little babe onto my chest.
Baby was here and it was amazing! The flood of hormones and emotions is just too incredible for words. I did it. I grew this sweet angel for 40 weeks and now my body pushed this baby out! Baby was perfect and I felt between baby’s legs and said “I think it’s a girl?” but i wasn't sure, so I held her up and said “Oh, wait its a boy!” then, “Oh, nope, it’s a girl!” Her labia looked like a nut sack, but once I got a good look, I realized it was a girl.
From the beginning of the pregnancy, I just felt like this was a girl. I just knew. We never had the ultrasound to find out the sex, so I had my moments of doubt. I didn’t think I could just know that it was a girl, but I did. She was here, and she was perfect. Grandma brought the big kids in to meet our girl and Layla was able to cut the cord, once it was done pulsing. I sat in the tub with this baby and just couldn’t stop staring, she was perfect, she was here, she was a SHE! Eventually I got out of the tub and onto the bed, i was able to nurse her right away. I was so grateful to have successful breastfeeding once again! About an hour or so later, they finally weighed and measured her. 7 lbs 13 oz. Then, after I delivered the placenta, the midwife checked me, no tearing! WOO HOO! I was so happy. This birth was everything I hoped for! It went so smoothly.
When I look back at this pregnancy and birth, I think of it as a time of listening, and of honoring myself. I never weighed myself this pregnancy, I have no idea what I weighed when I got pregnant or at the end. I am so grateful my midwives allowed this, I listened to my body during pregnancy and that skill was so helpful during birth. Even more so, I have this skill in my everyday life. When things are hard, I can turn inward and listen. I can honor myself, and move forward with confidence.
I stretched often. Ate real food. Ate delicious food. And just took care of myself, eliminating as much stress as possible and meditating when things came up. For me, eating clean during pregnancy is probably the easiest (minus the few weeks at the end of the first trimester, that’s just survival time) time because I think about the fact that everything I eat is what is building my baby. Do I want a baby built out of weird chemicals, gross hormones or frankenfoods? No, i want only the best organic, high quality foods to build this sweet baby. I don’t believe in a “perfect diet” but I believe in listening to your body and seeking out the highest quality of what your body is asking for.
During the labor, I didn't get checked, I listened to my instincts and what I needed. I moved through it all. I held the space for my emotions. I didn't judge myself, I loved myself. I thought I would want a bunch of friends around me during the labor, but I found myself honoring my introverted self and relying mostly on my own strength. It felt so good to do this hard work in the privacy of my bedroom.
WOMEN ARE INCREDIBLE!!!! I am just amazed at what our bodies can do! LOVE your body. LOVE your soul. HONOR what God has blessed you with. Nobody is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect and it is the best! Because of these mantras, I know it made this pregnancy my easiest, physically. I let go of image, I stopped comparing, as best I could. I loved myself, instead of hating my flaws. I embraced it all and I got back so much love in return.
It is a few days postpartum, and my emotions are even, my body is bouncing back quickly and most importantly, I have a healthy baby girl! Fiona Sunshine is her! And we are so in love!
I'm finally posting this on Fiona's 6 month birthday. Reading my birth story and looking at the pictures, it all comes rushing back. I can't believe how wonderful it all went. There is such a power to love, to positive thinking and to listening. I'm so grateful for this birth and for our sweet Fiona Sunshine. It feels like she was born yesterday but like she's been here forever. I love you, my sweet peach.
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